Never Alone

A couple of months ago, I remember very clearly a day when I attempted to describe my journey to my counselor (yes everyone needs one every now and then) to help her understand the pain I have been feeling.  I described my life as one standing outside the temple looking in.  It is very dark except for the faint light of the stars around me.  I can hear the people inside enjoying the worship of the Lord, yet I am not allowed in because of my past; both the things done to me and the things that I have done.  I desperately want inside these walls to experience what I have told countless others they could see and feel.  I wonder how it is  that I can lead others to enjoy the grace and mercy of the Lord, yet I do not feel as if I deserve them or can feel them?

Fast forward to one morning a few weeks ago.  As I drove to work I listened to the song “Constellations” by Ellie Holcomb. (Please go find this song and listen to it!) As I drove, I cried tears that felt the same as the tears I cried when my wife was in the ICU and I was sitting in the mission house alone.  They were the same tears that I cried out of pain, having to retell stories of hurt from the past. However, this time there was healing at the heart of the tears.  I realized that out in this darkness I had been living through, I was not as alone as I had thought or felt. 

This is what I heard….

Promise me I am not alone.

As I pictured myself out in the dark, just out of reach of the light I so desire, I realized that my Savior met me here. I did not have to make my own way into the center to feel His love and grace.  He came out to meet me in my darkness.

How many miles does my soul have to drive

Before love can collide with this mess in my life?

That’s not hard for you

That’s not hard for you

‘Cause You see through the spectrums of darkness and light

But I am losing my way and I’m losing my mind

I can’t see the truth

Help me see the truth

You’ve already been in this desolate place

You’ve already been here and you’ve made a way

Cause You find me and bring me back home

And I’m never alone

Never alone out here in the dark

His love, His grace, and His mercy are colliding with the mess in my life.  I am finding that He is in the desolate place, and in fact,  He has been here all along  and He is bringing me back home.

Let me share with you another picture.

Through this process of healing, I have also described where I am at momentarily in my journey as standing on the edge of a cliff knowing that I only have one option, and that is to jump.  The only problem was I was not sure if I would be caught by my Savior or be shattered to pieces at the bottom of the ravine.  I was not sure whether I would be rescued or destroyed. 

Yet, I am making this jump, and I am finding that He is catching me.  I believe I am falling in His arms.  

This is very significant because of where I have been in this journey of pain and healing. Allow me to let you in further to my heart with another quote I have spoken before only in the privacy of counseling and only to my wife. I share this now because I know there are others like me. I share now even though it is very painful to think of the ramifications of the thoughts that I battle.

“If I were single I would not be alive today.”  

Yes, what you believe to be behind those words are true and they were in my darkest hours.  I was so alone and scared in the darkness that had surrounded me that I no longer wanted to fight it.  

Yet I am never alone out here in the dark

Because You find me and bring me back home

I am truly never alone.

Lord, You are leading me to life.  Lord, Please let me continue to feel You standing right beside me whether it is in the center of the temple or in the darkest hour. Lord help me see the Truth.  

The work continues….

Dr. Matthew Tanner

The Wounded Pastor

(The words centered are the lyrics of the song “Constellations”, by Ellie Holcomb. Please go find this song and listen to it. You will be blessed by it.)